I’ve lost my workout mojo y’all. It’s gone. Big time. And for the first time in a really long time, I’m talking years, I’m ok with it.
Growing up I played sports 3 seasons of the year and exercise/eating was absolutely not on my brain. At Clemson, I worked out a little but nothing too serious. In my 15 years of marriage I’ve done it all.
Running, gyms, videos at home. And I’m finally out of gas.
For the past two months I’ve rested. I know. Bathing suit season and I’m over here caring less. It’s been a battle in my brain at times- most of my adult life, finding value in shape, size. And then a few years ago my thyroid broke (stress can seriously trigger autoimmune issues. Thank you, adoption. Who knew?) and as my reflection continued to shift and change in the mirror I just tried harder.
I’ve been so consumed with getting back to the old Mary that at times it’s hurt my family. My attitude so quickly soured if I didn’t like what I found in my closet. My choosing me time, in and of itself not a bad thing, over my girl struggling with her math needing help, so I could fit in another workout.
Two months ago I woke up and was just tired. Tired of the race to nowhere. I’d spent the last five years trying to lose the same 20 pounds. And looking ahead I just didn’t, I don’t want to do that for the rest of my life. Always critiquing myself. I don’t want to keep obsessing.
I’ve been blessed with THE most beautiful friends who pop out babies like it’s nobody’s business and wither away to a feather without much effort. It’s still hard to not compare myself to them. They make almost 40 look hot and I’m seeing my middle aged body stare back at me and can quickly see the flaws.
But for some reason, the Lord has given my heart rest these past two months. The grace to slow. Does this mean I’m done with exercise forever? That I’ll just be over here tossing back thin mints all day? No because that’s not being a good steward of my health either.
But I want to stay different. These 4 daughters of mine all have very different body types. Curvy, straight, thick, thin, strong. I don’t want their memories to be of a mama that let body image rob her of the joy, to see me chasing the good ol’ days. Because these days are good y’all!
So I’ve taken the summer off from working out. I’ve retired my running shoes and it’s been glorious. I can feel the tide shifting at some point, but my goal has changed. No longer performance but longevity, to stay healthy and active, not chasing an illusive size. I’ve lost my workout mojo for now and I like it.